It's time for a new regular feature. A round up of world events, with commentary from everyones favourite shortarse, TheHustler!
First of all, you might have noticed that Tony Blair and the French/German prime ministers have been meeting up in Berlin to talk about stuff. Dont mention the war, eh lads? I do of course mean in Iraq, and not, as has been the basis for many a joke, World War 2. The fact that I had to explain that joke means it probably isnt funny.
27% of people in the UK STILL use a mobile phone when driving, and 1 in 10 people admitted to sending a text message while in control of the wheel (or NOT in control, if you're going to be pedantic). Bottom line, kids. If you use a mobile phone when you're driving, you are a cockslut. And I hope you die. A nice car crash, only, I hope you dont hit someone else when you do it. You deserve to be wrapped around a tree, along with every speeding motorist, especially motorbike freaks. Wankers.
The Galileo space probe hurtled into Jupiter on Sunday afternoon. A fine send off for one of NASA's most sucessful missions. Unfortunately, Justin Timberlake wasnt clinging onto the side. But NASA are sending another probe there in the future, so maybe they can hook him onto the side of that one.
Apparently, Viagra can prevent strokes. Surely the whole idea is to MAKE you stroke? Not that I need it, of course.
A kangaroo alerted a farmers family that he'd been injured in one of his fields. Apparently he banged on the front door of the farmhouse until they came out. What the fuck is this, Skippy?
Quote of the day
After finishing the Great North Run in Newcastle, ex-athlete and now BBC commentator Brendan Foster turned to ex-Labour party spin doctor Alistair Campbell - fresh from resigning over his part in the dodgy Iraq Dossier - who had also just run the race, and commented on his lack of training for the event. "I gather you've been a bit busy lately..." Understatement of the century, Brendan...
And thats your lot, I'm busy now.